Donkey Punch

UK, 2008

Director:

Olly Blackburn

Starring:

Matt: -

Adam: F

As the credits rolled on Donkey Punch, we are reliably informed that the film was based on "an original story by David Bloom", which is a bit rich since there's not a a single original idea in the whole movie. Billed as a Dead Calm for the Ibiza generation, Bloom teamed up with Olly Blackburn, who also directed, to pen a script that would appeal to the 20-something crowd who might enjoy Mediterranean climes, recreational drugs and recreational sex.

Battling for the worst title of the year (although Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging is going to be a hard one to beat) Donkey Punch, is supposedly something a man can do for sexual gratification. The "punch" is not particularly pleasant for women though, and so it proves for our intrepid sea-farers on board a luxury 40 foot yacht, on board which virtually the whole movie takes place. The set up sees 3 young girls from Leeds willingly get corralled into partying with 4 guys on board their boss's plaything for an evening. After the 7 have been established as particularly unpleasant, vacuous deadbeats, they all take some drugs, lots of alcohol get a little touchy-feely and it's not long before one thing leads to another and, as you do in these sorts of situations, they start bumping each other off.

The thing about Donkey Punch is that it is far from badly directed. Indeed you might even call it competent. However the script is just so damn godawful, you cannot enjoy a single minute of running time without cringing at some of the dialogue or an inept decision-making employed by one of the characters. They were established as pretty thick, but there is no real excuse for what happens during an escape attempt on board a life raft. The two girls squabble over whether they should fire a flare or not - they want to alert the coastguard but not the yacht. Fair enough, although the rather inept firing of the flare into the sea that comes as the consequence of their argument is completely ridiculous. So after worrying about alerting the yacht as well as the coastguard, they manage to alert only the yacht, but then sitting there with 3 more flares and not realising there's now nothing to lose in firing them all high into the night sky is the mark of someone completely braindead. It's one example of a number of logic-free decision that so often mar thrillers of this nature. I can't leave this train of thought without mentioning another - one of the girls starts hammering on a glass door with a heavy trophy pf some description. After 5 blows, in which she cracks the glass, she decides the best way forward from here would be to run through it rather than smash it out! Rocket scientists these people are not.

The biggest problem however is not the ineptitude of our main characters, it is the very nature of a screenplay that offers us not one villain but 6 or 7. Dead Calm worked so well because Kidman and Neill were battling for survival against a lone, maniacal Billy Zane. Not knowing where he was at any one time was key in keeping the tension at breaking point. The problem in Donkey Punch is that everyone kills everyone and the contrivances required for such a concept are way beyond anything you're prepared to accept. At no point is there any tension at all because at any one time the characters may be best of friends working together to survive or a split second away from trying to kill each other. Not knowing where a crazed psychopath is or what he's about to do is frightening. Not knowing where the next contrivance is coming is not.

I'm not sure what it is about yacht-based thrillers but filmmakers keep exploring the genre. Not to what I'd call great affect though. The very worst film I've seen is quite possible Open Water 2: Adrift, and unfortunately for those involved Donkey Punch is right up there, or should that be down there with the worst. That said, if you want to see some unpleasant people die in a series of ridiculous ways then you can do worse than this film. The soundtrack is good, the direction competent. Everything else though falls woefully short of passable entertainment.

AL